Ever had a bad day? A terrible, rotten, no-good, very bad,
day? If you are human, and over the age of…0, then the answer is yes. Believe
me, I get it. I understand, all too well. Some have more bad days than others,
but the truth is, we have good days too. Recently I was in a place where
believing that fact was impossible for me. Good days? Ha! Yeah, I really said
that.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I look relentlessly for the
good in all things. Silver linings in the dark clouds, the brightest star in
the darkest night, and the beauty in the dangerous current of the rivers.
However, in recent months I have found it hard to stand under the weight of
things pressing me down. There have been many clouds, to which I had to be
reminded have a silver lining. There have been many nights my vision was so
foggy, I had to be reminded that the stars are still there. And the river
current…seemed to have swept me away.
I’m the type of person who internalizes everything. If bad
things happen, or if I’m upset about something, I don’t share. I stuff it all
away inside, and smile. The world is, for the most part, oblivious to my pain
and suffering. Even those close to me will have a hard time breaking through
the walls I have put up to hide my internal battles and turmoil. I care not to
burden others with my issues, and often make the mistake of taking on more than
I can handle in that area, until I internally combust. This time, however, my
world outside the four walls of my spirit starting falling around me, leaving
my insides to crumble instead of explode. I had lost the control I once had on
my world, and started drifting.
Autopilot, I believe it is called. That is where I found
myself. Just going through the motions. Letting be what is, and not caring what
will come. A dangerous coping mechanism, autopilot is. A person who has drifted
into autopilot has no emotion. Oh, it can look like they do, trust me. They
will laugh at things that are funny, get frustrated about things, and have good
days and bad days, seemingly, like most other people. But they don’t feel it.
It’s just a motion. I lost track of time. Days, weeks, months, none of them
registered to me. But one of the cool things about us, people, is that we can
bounce back. Sometimes it’s not a bounce. Sometimes it is more of a drag, or a
crawl, but we can find our way out of the hole that we have plummeted into. And
find myself, I finally did.
It took a while, and I did not do it alone. I needed help,
and I had to make myself accept that help. Human nature is proud. It is also
fearful, afraid of denial or shame. Never be ashamed of your down days. We have
down days because we stood so tall for so long, holding more than our own
weight. So be proud that you can take it, and don’t be afraid to sit down for a
while to gather yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself when the bad
days come is breathe. When you are hurting, breathe. When you feel trapped in
your own mind, or body, breathe. When life has knocked you down, and still
kicks you, breathe. Breathing those long, deep, cleansing breaths helps get
your vision straight, and when you can see your feet, you can start to plan your
next step. Breathe, find your feet, look just one step at a time, and start
slow. You are healing, my friend. You are coming back together.
Can you feel it? Maybe not at first, but you will. It’s
going to hurt, as healing always hurts a little at first. But you got this.
Take it from someone who has fallen, gotten up, fallen again, and is currently
setting foot back on solid ground. I’m healing. It hurts. It does not feel good
at all. But it will. Today I will breathe. Tonight, I will breathe again. And I
will continue on, taking another deep breath, and taking another step. Because
I know I’m having plenty of good days, but I will miss them if I stay here. You
are a star, friend. Shine on. Look up, and take the hand reaching out to help
you up. You got this, and I got you.
*love*
