First Snow

It’s a dreary day in November. Clouds are hanging low over the trees, the sun has vacated behind the dark gray, imposingly hovering objects, and the breeze has picked up into a steady wind on the hillside. Is it going to rain? The chill in the air seems a bit damp. Yeah, we are in for rain. Cold, wet, dreary rain.

Dusk. Rain is softly falling, making the light “tink, tink” sound on the metal roof of the carport outside the house. Granted, when living in California we didn’t get to enjoy this experience much, and while the cold temperatures slightly affected my joy at the event, my child was ecstatic! Running out into the rain, exclaiming and laughing, being a boy doing what they do best…get dirty. But the sight and sound brought a smile to my face.

Inside the house, the evening continues on, and we noticed some time later that the sound of the rain hitting the metal roof of the carport had stopped. At first nothing was coming from the sky, and then the change…

I squinted my eyes and looked out the window over the kitchen sink. Nothing could be heard, but there it was! Coming from the sky… softly, silently, and gracefully falling to the ground: snow. The first snow of the season! Would it stick? OH the pure joy that filled me up inside! I always tell people that if it’s going to be cold, it better snow and have good reason to be so cold! Usually all I see is rain, and often times before, ice. Tonight, however, the soft, airy, white flakes floating down from the sky, after a day of off and on rain, were a welcome relief from the dreary and wet, cold weather. Micah was thrilled! He wanted to go outside and see! He was not fully dressed, though, and I instructed him to stay inside. After a couple of hours, and lots of glittery goodness sticking to the ground, cars, trees, and covering our little world in a blanket of white, I wrapped Micah up in his blankets (he refused to put shoes on), and carried him outside into the falling snow so he could catch a few flakes with his tongue.

As I stood in the falling snow, jittery teeth and shuddering arms and shoulders, I realized what a cool thought this was! It had been raining all day! And suddenly, from the dreary clouds and rain came the season’s first snow. Light, silent, and peaceful, falling to the ground gracefully to cover the ugly puddles and muddy places with pristine beauty. Such is the story of our lives, in so many cases. Especially mine! I have been suffering the rainfall of stress and trials, and have been dredging through the mud puddles of heaviness and struggle. And suddenly, when my days have been covered thickly with dark, low hanging clouds, those same clouds cover my rain laden world with a soft, white snow. A snow that fell peacefully, gracefully, and settled all the raging emotions inside. Some of those emotions escaped through silent tears, as I lifted my face toward the sky. Tears that mixed with snowflakes rather than raindrops, bringing a sad but peaceful smile to my face as they slipped silently down and fell to the ground, leaving a small, round void where the snow was covering it.

Our world isn’t seemingly such a happy place after we are grown. There is much care, worry, pain, and heartache we endure as adults. So much rain, and heavy cloud cover. These endure through nearly every season in our lives. But every now and then, there is this season we are blessed with. This season freezes all our trials, and covers our burdens with this glistening blanket of white, giving us a view of reflected sunlight. Winter time isn’t just about Holidays and cold weather. It is about covering those things that are dead. Burying them, and preparing for life anew. Resting our burdens, and bringing a season of peace during a life of chaos. I am thankful for that first snow…the subtle reminder that peace is here, even though the weight of the rain is still on our shoulders.

This first snow fell overnight, and lasted a few days before melting away under the sunlight. It was, however, a few days of calm and reflection for me. I do not like the cold weather, but I love the snow. I’ve been absent snow for over three years. This season, while cold is dreaded, will find me welcoming every snowflake and likely playing in the snow with the kids…and enjoying the peaceful gift from above. 

To Live

Things to ponder:

Today, as I sit at the table in my parent’s home, I reflect. It has been a long couple of weeks for me, being away from my love, two pieces of my heart (children for those who don’t follow my normal verbiage…lol) being a distance from me for a time, and having battled recently battles that I simply do not understand. A few days ago I sat and pouted (yup, I pouted) about things that I believed to be beyond my control. After some self-pity time, I finally sat up as the words of my parents slowly made their way from the back of my brain to the listening portion. “When in doubt…make a list. Pros’ and Con’s. Balance it. Reflect on it. Where do you see yourself on this list?” etc… So…I start making this list. Ironically enough I started it off with “Things I have no control over:” Would you know, I could not write the things on that list that I was previously having a pity party about?! So…this is what I came up with.

·         I cannot stop the seasons from changing.

·         I cannot stop time.

·         I cannot travel forward, or backward, in time.

·         I have no power over the sun, wind, snow, rain, or catastrophic forces of nature.

·         I cannot change History.

However…

·         I can enjoy every season for the gifts it brings; Spring (life), Summer (warmth), Autumn (beauty), and Winter (reflection).

·         I can stop myself from saying hurtful words.

·         I can speak words of love and compassion, happiness, strength, and comfort.

·         I can reach out and help where help is needed.

·         I can make the most of every moment.

·         I can bask in the sun, embrace the winds, play in the snow, dance in the rain, and marvel at the extreme forces of nature that have description beyond words.

·         I can change the future…my future.

In this we know that we ALL affect someone around us. Some affect a few, others affect many. Regardless of how many people are affected by our perspective on life (and how we carry that perspective out), they, in turn, affect others. And so goes the circle of life. Proverbs 18:21a “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue…” And yet our words, however impactful they may be, still only carry some of our entire communication. Don’t just endeavor to “speak life” but also strive to “live life”. Don’t just live…BE alive.

And with “BE Alive” I left off and looked at the list…………and realized that I needed that. Yeah…I’m struggling over things that are difficult. I’m in the middle of some battles that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. But they are mine, and I CAN control how I come out of this… and I intend to. Honey, I’m gonna come out singing! I’m going to enjoy the changes of the seasons (even if my California-spoiled self is shaking fist at the cold temps) and what those changes will bring my way! I’m going to bask in the sun! I’m going to play in the snow! I’m going to dance in the rain, and I’m going to leave behind bright, happy colors on the canvas of my life to inspire others… to live.

The Dog Fight

This is a rather somber post, really. However, I cannot help but put it out there, because it weighs heavily on the mind these days. From the recent stirring up about diseases, politics, and things that make national headlines (and some local ones) creating an uproar around the globe, comes a blog post from yours truly...

I was just thinking about a phrase I saw on a social networking site the other day, and it made me ponder deeper (as usual) into the real life application of such a concept. The phrase, “I [have, or do not have] a dog in that fight” sent my mind into some humbling thoughts. Consider with me, if you will, the dog fight.

A dog, once born innocent and loving, is being raised and trained daily by a master to fight to the death. This dog, who could have easily been a happy creature, in a loving family, cowers under the commands of his master, heavy chains holding him to his post, both burdening him and strengthening him at the same time. Ears that have been cut short (in many cases butchered at home instead of done clinically by a vet) to avoid getting in the way of the dog’s own teeth as he sinks them into his opponent. This dog knows no other life than that of working, fighting, and recovering or dying. These dogs are pitted together in a fenced in area, and prodded toward one another by their masters until the fight begins. The crowd cheers for the dog they believe should win. Fights break out in the stands. Money is passed as bets are made. The noise is excruciating. And the fight begins…

One dog eats at another, and the other turns to defend itself, attacking in like manner. Blood falls to the dirt and sand under their feet, feet that are mangled by torture and pain. Muscles flexing and teeth baring, growling and snapping, the dogs continue as the crowd’s volume increases with each bite and shred. The crowd calls for more blood, so the masters of the dogs give the crowd their desire…until the dogs are either spent or dead on the ground. Money is then passed again as bets were won or lost in the fight.

Now, come with me to visit the dog’s family.

The little girl said goodbye to all her lovable puppies before they were even old enough to go away. She cried. She knew what was going to happen to them. They are litter mates, but they are being sold to people who are going to raise them to attack each other and fight to the death. The little girl is heartbroken. She’s not so little that she doesn’t understand what is going on, and it causes her great pain. She sees that these little loves of her life will never be lovable, but killers in the eyes of those who demand blood. She has seen the fights, clouded through tears that nearly blind her at every event. To close out the grim reality of the dogfight, the little girl hides under the bleachers and benches, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, and pressing the heels of her hands firmly against her ears to drown it out. In her mind she imagines her sweet puppies running in the field with her on the weekends when she is not in school. They play together, swimming in the creek or perhaps the pool, and chasing butterflies. Why?! Why do they have dogs in this fight?! Why are there dog fights at all??The little girl on the outside is all grown up inside. She understands the painful reality that, despite efforts to eliminate this suffering from the world, the true fighters will always find a way to stay. This is her life...

Food for thought

Becca

The Gift of Darkness

Have you heard the phrase, “The night is darkest before the dawn”? How about the theory that evil lurks in the shadows? My recent favorite is, “There is a light at the end of this tunnel!” There are so many sayings and ideas that surround the topic of darkness and night. Well, I get to share my own idea of the darkness.

Darkness is normal. It is reoccurring. Darkness comes and darkness goes. Like the rotating door of sunrise and sunset, darkness is inevitable. It is unavoidable. Have I depressed you yet? A bit of a fun revelation on my part now: I love darkness! The night is so sadly misunderstood…

When I drove the paper route for the Fresno Bee, here in the central valley in California, I encountered so many things in the darkness of the night, and pre-dawn hours! Some things were un-nerving, scary even (some animals out here are weird looking), and some were strange sights, like the drunk man walking in the middle of the streets, giving everyone who passed by a thumbs up and a “Hey! Drive safe!” Others, however, were beautiful things. Things that could never be experienced in the light of day! These amazing discoveries in the darkness were not few and far between either! They occurred often, and it was a joy to encounter and experience them all!

In the darkness of night we get the amazing opportunity to observe the diamonds of the sky: the stars. 

this image found on google.com

On many occasions we will even get to witness the amazing sight of one of these superior, glittering objects as it releases from its suspension somewhere in the air of space, soaring across the black canvas of the night sky…but only in the dark can this be seen with the naked eye.

The eclipse of the full moon that occurs somewhere between 11pm and 5am every now and then…the amazing and breath taking event that captures the attention of people around the globe, as the moon appears full one moment and, over time, gradually becomes a deep, dark shadow, only to begin shining full again, sliver by sliver. Pictures that are taken of this marvelous sight show the background of a night sky…

Some of the most beautiful things happen at night, in the darkness. I like to say that the darkness doesn’t hide these things, but it enhances them.

To me the dark brings with it a sense of calm. Rest. When I step outside in the evening, and witness the setting of the sun, I recall past years when I would begin to cry or become weighted down, carried lower and lower along with the level of the sun, and I dreaded the night. I feared it. Now…I embrace what the night brings to us, what it is intended to give us: that rest and calm. Just like the child who is tucked in bed by the parent every night… we are in need of a rest period. It is not the night when we fight and battle against all odds, in our situations that life brings. No, it is in the night that we rest and take a breather.

Take solace in the gift of the night, the peace in the darkness. Embrace the metaphorical “tucking in” that we are blessed with after an exhausting day of fighting and trudging through the trails of life. Step off to the side of the trail, unroll the blanket and stretch out under the sparkling diamonds of the sky and breathe deeply of the crisp air, letting it cleanse and refresh, and rest…rest knowing that the night can be a place NOT of fear, but of rejuvenation. It is the gift from Above, to prepare you for the next day’s work. <3

And now…I shall close my computer and look up at the stars that I am sitting under now, and breathe deeply the fresh evening air. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Happy Birthday Titus!

On this day, September 19, in the year 2005, I walked into my doctor’s office DETERMINED to have a baby! I was up on the two weeks overdue mark, and no signs of anything happening yet…or so I thought.

I had been having contractions, but my pelvis was TOO SMALL for my baby to be born naturally. He had been trying to be born for almost 4 weeks, actually, but my body wasn’t agreeing with this activity at all. My doctor ended up doing a C-Section on his lunch break, to bring my son into this world!

Now, I used to hold my infant Titus, pinch his little nose, and joke saying nonsense like, “When you are older, I’m gonna let you know just how much trouble you gave me from the start!” And, you know… it’s like he knew what I was saying, and decided to just make it better from there! His first smile was in the back of a church sanctuary, in the pew on his Mawmaw’s lap. We were all excited! 

When I wanted him to smile for me…he farted. Yeah…that’s my child!

With each year that passes, Titus grows taller and taller…he started out BIG anyway! 10 pounds and 9 ounces and nearly 22 inches long, he was too big for newborn clothes, and never got to wear the newborn or size 1 shoes! Not my ideal first child’s size…but I wouldn’t have him ANY other way!

Titus has always been the type to do it RIGHT. When he cut teeth, he cut them 5 or 6 at a time. We didn’t have to worry about 5 or more teething sessions. He got it all done in 3! Oh the recollection of sleepless nights (thankfully very few), and a young mama hurting for her baby during this time. Until he bit me, of course. Haha.

At nine years of age Titus is 59.5 inches tall (that’s almost 5 ft *wink*); he wears a men’s size 5.5 shoe; his reddish hair, bright freckles, and sparkling eyes just enhance his already adorable personality! In his nine, short (yet seemingly long at times) years Titus has endured separation and divorce of his parents, moved 5 times, experienced changes in family, gained a stepfather and stepsister, went to 2 different schools and was told he’s “slow” and picked on in both schools, moved to homeschooling (this year), and has excelled greatly through it all! He has never said a bad word about anyone, even those who said bad things to him. Titus and his heart of gold.

Titus has endured several things most boys do, and then a little more… kissing pavement (multiple times), splinters, bruises, cuts, scrapes, blood, pain, but such are the prices of

being a super hero, power ranger, transformer, cop, soldier, scientist, doctor, zombie, monster, dinosaur, ninja, Ninja Turtle, lion, robot, and so many other things that I cannot even cover in the imagination of my child! Most of his markings were laughed off and forgotten in minutes. Some, not so much.

He had an incident last year that landed him in the ER for the first time with an injury. Titus was bitten by a large dog, and nearly lost his thumb and part of his hand. He only cried when the shock wore off at the triage nurse’s desk in the ER. His tears were short lived when his fascination of the repair process grew. Yep…my child. There are some points in time I’d prefer he remain emotional and weepy. LOL! But no. Not Titus. Titus had to watch them mess with his hand, asking questions the whole time! And here I thought I’d be comforting him! Nope! Mama had to walk away and go sit on

the other side of the room while Titus inquired about what they were doing to his hand, every step in the process, making me even queasier with their discussion. Yeah, even now my nerves get all super sensitive at the thought!

But that is just another thing about my child that completely fascinates me to no end!

(Along with his ability to fit in tight places...kinda like his Aunt Nikki)

Titus’ favorite color is green. Why? Because all his favorite things are green. Grass, trees, the mountains in the pictures and paintings, the walls in his bedroom. He loves hiking. He loves fishing. He wants to be a “Police Boss” when he grows up. He loves working with his hands. Science is his favorite subject. He says his favorite subject is Art, which I guess the two are kind of the same. He says they are. Titus loves people. Sometimes he cannot interact as he would like to, but he is very observant, and aware. He captures details at a glance that most people miss looking directly on, in any

given area.

Titus: My son. My heart. My joy. My comfort, even when I don’t realize I am in need of comfort. He picks up on things under the surface, and surprises me often with his depth of understanding. For one so young, he knows so much. His random hugs and smiles, and his unexpected “I Love You’s” warm my heart every time he gives them. There aren’t enough words I could say to describe the love I have for my redheaded freckled big boy! I could blog on, and on, and…on. I am SO BLESSED to have the privilege of being Titus’ mother. I am thankful for every single moment I have with him! And I look forward to every moment we will have hereafter!

Happy Happy Birthday Titus! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

Love,

Your Lucky-to-have-you Mother! <3

PLEASE RECYCLE

I’m an avid fan of recycling. Taking cans, bottles, boxes, and bags to the recycling center and getting a small amount of cash for doing a great amount of good often feels great! I also know that I am doing my part to shrink the amount of waste that fills the landfills out there these days! In my city there are three types of bins we put out on the street. One is Green, and it is for the organic materials that can become compost of some sort. One is Blue, and everyone puts all their recyclable materials into it. The last one is Black, and is where people put the garbage that cannot be recycled or compost.

The other day, as I was cleaning out a glass jar to be placed in my recycle bin, a thought hit me…

So many times we toss garbage out of our mouths, things that cannot be taken back, recycled, or reused. People are treating each other like the trash they spew. Gossip, tale telling, back biting, and creating reputations for themselves, and others that make them appear very ugly and used outside. All of that mess generally comes from an inside source: something that has gone bad in there! Hurt feelings, broken heart, and damaged mind from too many verbal beatings they may have incurred themselves in the past. Either way, if you’ve ever read the book “Hurt People Hurt People” this concept would be more easily understood at a glance.

What do we do with those people? Do we open that black bin on the street and toss them in? Write them off as trash and worthless? This is where the process of recycling is so amazing! Are we any better than they? Of course we cannot change other people, and we may have to remove them from our lives if that is what it takes to maintain our own wellbeing, but we can look at ourselves, and that is what I intend to do right now…

What was I doing as this thought crossed my mind? I was rinsing out a used jar with hot water. Snap! Rinse that vessel out! Get it ready for a change! Toss out the yuck, and put yourself through a cleansing process. If we don’t work on ourselves, something is going to work on us. If there is one thing I have learned in this life it is that when we acknowledge that work needs to be done, and we do it, things are not quite as hard on us as it would be if we just let it go. (Let it go…let it goo) *chuckles*

After cleaning that vessel out, let the Master do the hard work. Melt, reshape, reform, recycle! Recycling may not be easy…in fact it takes work, and sometimes can be painful. But the end result can be such a thing of beauty! What may have started out as a regular milk jar may come back as a beautiful ornate glass piece that creates “ooh’s” and “Ahh’s” from people all around! Something that started out as a general space taker may come back as a functional piece of work that is useful in so many ways! The possibilities are ENDLESS! So when you feel ugly, nasty, used, hurt, abused, and just all around like trash DO NOT throw yourself out just yet!!

Go Green! Take that step to make it better! Rinse that mind! Pour the nasty out of that heart! Run outside into the woods and scream. Go to the riverside, or the Oceanside, lakeside, any shoreline, and just look at the vast amount of space out there…and remember you are bigger than your problems. You are greater than the pain that has driven the hole inside, making you feel like the garbage you are NOT.

There are SOOOOO many examples I could use, people who have lost loved ones, homes, and so on, who have taken all that pain, all the mess that has boiled inside, or that they kept inside for months and years, released it and let a change begin! Some have started movements for awareness of whatever stole their loved one. Some have started campaigns to help families who lost homes in disasters, and some just do what they can to help those in need…

What is your pain? What is your need? What have you buried inside, kept cooped up in the vessel you are? Empty it out, rinse, and place in the hands of the one who can make it new. And let yourself be made new!

I’m in the process of my own recycle. Man let me tell you, it has been an experience! And who knows when the product will be complete? But every moment has been well worth the sweat, tears, pain, joy, emotional moments (or weeks), growth, and maturity I am gleaning from the experience! If I had to do it over again (insert recycle pun here)…I would. And I’m sure I will.

Stressed? De-stress!

To say that the last few weeks of my life have been a little…eventful…would be a serious understatement. The unfortunateness of the timeframe in question is that the events which have occurred have been more negative than positive. The phrase “When it rains, it pours” bears great meaning to myself and my family presently. The amount of stress that I have allowed myself to retain inside has been excessive, to say the least. For this I am not proud. However, being the person that I am I began to look for something teachable in these moments of stress and frustration (and sadness as well).

As a mother *Super-Mom* I have an amazing tune out feature installed within me. I can continue a conversation in the face of wails and cries, and the frequent noises of children -mine or someone else’s- without missing a beat. I can carry on conversations with more than one child (or person) at a time, and most of the time manage to keep the conversations properly connected topic to person as well. With the help of my mobile brain -planner/notebook- I can keep schedules and appointments, lists, dates, plans, menus, and events organized. Facebook is my source of conversation and entertainment, Candy Crush my temporary retreat and sleep aid, and Pinterest my virtual collection of amazing ideas that I will, one day, accomplish in their entirety! (Sarcasm?)

But this mother is also human. There are days when I feel a little (?) overwhelmed. Sometimes it is just a day, sometimes it lasts a whole week…and no matter how long it lasts, at that time it “feels” like forever! In those moments, and days, I often lose my ability to multi task. I have little to no focus, and my frustration mounts higher and higher. Yeah, I will admit I have turned circles in my living room asking myself how in the world I am going to get through a situation, over and over and over again, coming up with no solution. I have let stress get to me. I have allowed myself to get upset to the point that I would shut myself in my room to avoid any human interaction at all. I have even tried blaming other people and situations for my angst.

Now that I have shared all my little blips that occur when I’m out of sorts, I shall elaborate on those little things I preach to myself often and endeavor to accomplish after I transform from the green goblin of stress back into my normal, human self (insert mental image…).

First, I take a seriously deep breath and let it out nice and slow. A deep, cleansing breath does wonders for the body; physically and psychologically. Sometimes it helps to make a noise when doing this…it accomplishes more than a let down from the hype. It also releases a chuckle now and then, especially if the boys witness me in my stress/de-stress modes. One thing I can say about my children…they are NOT the cause of my stress. However, they definitely help reduce it at times like these.  “Hey mom. Are you gonna breathe real big and make funny noises again? Do you need to go to your room and yell? Did you buy that punching bag you said you wanted yet? Can we hit it too?” Yeah, you know you just grinned a little yourself, reading the words of innocent kids witnessing the near explosion of Mount Mother-Rage.

Next, I take a step back and look at it all from a distance. I love taking a walk when I feel stressed. Another good reason to have a membership at a gym. When walking around my neighborhood isn’t so appealing, or convenient, the treadmill and/or elliptical at the gym suit just fine. Walking away from stress, even for a short amount of time, does wonders for one’s ability to handle tough situations! Upon return we can look at the situation with fresh eyes and a new perspective. Perspective! There’s another story all its own! But truly, once that perspective changes, the situation becomes a little easier to bear, and often times a solution comes to mind and lifts the spirit up out of the funk. Prayer and meditation are great activities during this part of the de-stressing.

So far we have taken a deep breath, let out some noise, and walked away for a few minutes to get a grip. What next?  Oh yes…

Never forget the things that bring great joy!

 Even in my stress my children know how to make me smile. They have their antics and their funny things, and at times even their ways of handling a situation they don’t care for gets entertaining. My husband brings me great joy! He’s a nut sometimes (have to be to live with me and survive), but he’s my hero! He holds me up even when I’m beating me down. He always has, and always will. My family brings me joy. My friends bring me joy. While I may be over 2000 miles from most of them, I know I can reach someone and have a crazy hilarious conversation that has us both laughing till we ache inside and out.

As I said before, the little things can be the biggest blessings, giving the greatest joys. 

When you are stressed, hurt, sad, angry, or just down and out, find that crazy noise deep down, take a massive breath and let that sucker out! Stomp and have a tantrum! I’ve done that! You should see my children in THOSE moments! Haha! Then… walk away. Move away from the yuck and get that new perspective. Think on those happy things, remember something funny. Tell a horrible, bland joke to a close friend and hee haw at it until you snort!

Since we can’t avoid those things that give us stress (at least not all of them) forever, finally, go back and face that sucker head on! I like to joke about the SuperMom status (no…I’m not joking. I. am. SuperMom!), but in truth there’s something about standing up and taking a situation head on, getting your victory, success, and putting it behind you never to worry about again, that gives you that super feeling. And that will help you get past the next one. Oh yeah…did I mention there’s going to be more? Yep. But that’s ok! You just made it through this one with me. You have achieved some extra super powers of your own. Another day, another joy, another trial…a stronger person. I got this! So do you! *inhale…*