I am not gonna lie. I have high stress levels. My blood
pressure numbers would likely scare people. I don’t sleep. My eating habits are
totally wacked out. Between my four kids, three dogs, husband in the Military,
house work, school work, and appointments to keep for everyone in the family, I
would guess it is safe to say I am pulled slightly thin in places. An average
day for me would wear out almost anyone I know that I describe it to, with the
exception of one of my cousins, bless her heart! (wink)
Just hang on. I’m getting somewhere with this:
Do I ever have “me” time? Not often. Do me and my husband
get “us” time? Rarely. Do we have any routines? None we stick to more than a
few weeks at a time. (sigh). Where is my peace? Where is my solace? How do I
find strength to go on? In those moments that only a mother (biological, step,
adoptive, godmother) gets to experience.
What are those moments, you ask? Well let me share a few
with you…
Those times when Titus comes up to me and just wraps his
arms around me, holding tight and saying how much he loves me and is glad I am
his mommy. Those moments when Levi snuggles up to me just to put his head
against my chest so he can hear my “drum beat heart.” The moments when Micah comes
running with open arms to me, wrapping them around my legs, and just saying “Mommy!
My Mommy!” over and over again. And then, for all of those who know me and my
situation, the final moment is one that is extra special to me… That moment
when Angel comes up to me with a picture in hand, one that she had been
laboring over for quite a while at the table, in her notebook, carefully
tearing it out of the notebook, folding it perfectly, then presenting it to me
saying “Becca, I drew this picture just for you, because I want you to have
this from me.” And upon unfolding the picture I see a house, a beautiful sky,
flowers, and two people walking together, both with names above their heads.
Becca and Angel. And the back side has hearts of every type and size all over
it, and at the bottom it says: To Becca From Angel, forever. Words? No, I have
none. But peace? Solace? Strength to carry on another day in the drama that my
life gives me? Especially involving this sweet girl who only wants herself to
be happy, everyone around her to be happy, and her greatest dream to fit in a
whole family. Yeah. I have those moments, and they are enough.
I can go without sleep. I know I’ll catch up one day. I can
take measures to do different things with my eating habits. That’s not too
hard. Housework, schoolwork, laundry, dishes, those things are there all the
time. My children? They will not be this young forever.
These recent days I have had to ask myself, where is my
heart? Where is my greatest desire? Are my actions meeting up with my dreams?
Am I doing what I say I want or need to do? These moments with my children are
often, yes, but they could vanish…I could chase my children away, wasting my
time and energy on being stressed and frustrated If I am doing school work when
Levi wants to sit on my lap, or if I am vacuuming or doing dishes when Titus
wants to give me that hug. What about when Micah (the king of “don’t touch me”)
comes running and squeezing mommy to pieces? Am I too busy? How long does it
take to happily accept a picture from a child who just spent the last hour
coloring and drawing with much effort and concentration? Bending down from
whatever I am doing, giving a hug in return, a gentle rub on the head, “I love
you too…sooooo much” and five minutes to read someone’s favorite book are the things
that seem so small to us, but mean the entire world to these children!
So, in these moments that they give me such peace, solace, strength, and JOY...they may also need the same thing from me. Who am I not to give? Sometimes I have to think about it because the timing is not what I would consider the best...but in all consideration, it most likely is.
Am I learning some of this the hard way? Yes. But the key
tonight is: I am learning.
