Angel

This post is difficult. It is such because it is completely transparent. But I must recognize and dedicate a special word to a special person in my life…

I have always been a mother of boys. Naturally. I have three sons. However, I have a very special person in my life who I am step-mother to, and this one is a girl. Her name is Angel.

Angel is my husband’s daughter. Her mother is Greek, and resides in her country of origin. Angel is an absolutely gorgeous girl who will be a beauty of a woman when she grows up! She is currently 7 years old.

I came into Angel’s life in a sudden and quite permanent way, and looking back I wish it would have been done a bit differently. The day I met her was the day her father went to pick her up from her mother. She was pretty much informed that I am her daddy’s special lady friend and destined to be her step-mother in the near future. Looking back, things could have gone very differently had we prepared ourselves for this moment and change in her life.

From that day Angel spent three years in the care of her father and myself. She went from being an only child, and the center of everyone’s world, to living in a house full of BOYS, and being the second oldest of four! I went from being a mother to only boys to having a girl in my home. Not only were neither of us prepared for the change, we were also not prepared for our own reactions to the situation.

To begin with Angel is emotional. She’s female! I had a lot happen to me in prior years and my emotions had died during that time in my life, so I had forgotten how to handle someone who would be so full of them. My boys are boys…emotions aren’t really an issue unless someone is sick or hurting physically. Angel was a different story.

Angel loves to hug. She loves getting hugs. She walks, talks, lives and breathes affection. Sadly, I do not. And even more upsettingly to myself, I did not go out of my way enough to ensure that I spoke her love language so that she knew I love her dearly. I’m a pat-on-the-shoulder type (I guess that’s a mom of boys thing?), and shame on me for not stepping out of my comfort zone and being a person of affection more often! Don’t get me wrong. We played games, watched movies, read stories, went shopping, hair did, painted nails, and just sat and socialized together a lot. But hind sight is definitely 20/20, and every day I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Those who know me well, and know the history of our lives, understand what I am saying, and I know I have their support and prayers in my inner struggle. And a struggle it is.

Children in split families often suffer in so many ways. Children need to know their mother, their father, and so on. Every child needs to feel LOVE from the significant people in their lives, and as a step parent it’s my job to ensure that my step child feels the same inclusion and love as the children born from my body. While many people tell me I did what I could considering my situation, I literally think about those three years every day now that she is in Greece with her mother. Could I have changed things at any point? Could I have taken her out more just me and her, and had more of a woman/girl bond? Could I have encouraged more father/daughter outings for her and my husband? Did I do enough? Did I blow it?

While I know I cannot change the past, I do know that I can create a better future!

While Angel is absent from this house physically, she is still here. We miss her. We love her. I love her! So, while she is away, I will work hard to be a love speaker as she is. I am making changes in so many other areas of my life, but this one is as important (maybe more) as the other changes are. Why? Because Angel is important! I will endeavor to be better, do better, and love more loudly than the last time. My silent, non-emotional shell is coming off!

I have learned a lot from Angel, and while I did not apply those lessons while she was here as I should have, I am applying them now! Love out loud. Love often. Cry when it hurts! While they are not best let out 24/7, Emotions aren’t meant to be kept in 24/7.  Containing them as I have all these years hurts not only yourself but those around you. I hope Angel never hides hers. Her transparency has opened my eyes to my need to be the same. Handling these emotions, when on the receiving end, is another lesson I’ve learned. And I’m so thankful for that lesson, and for my teacher, my step-daughter.

 

When I see Angel’s sweet face again, I am going to just hug her and hold her tight, look into those big, brown, beautiful eyes and tell her just how much I love her and miss her and am so glad she is a part of my life! And I can’t wait.

I'm Going To Be An Expert!

Titus (8), Levi (6), Micah (3), my hubby, and myself, are in the first days of our new endeavor: Home-schooling!

I was told earlier this year, when Titus was diagnosed with Autism, I would need to become an expert in this category (Autism). I spoke with a Psychologist about this statement not long after, and she smiled and said, “No. You will become an expert on YOUR child. And that’s half the fun!” Well, by golly, she’s right!

Now, I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but while my children were attending a public school I let their teachers be the experts. I mean they were the ones who have a degree to handle my kids, right? That is what I thought…and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As we know, each child is different and unique in their own way, and as a mother and teacher I must understand that their learning styles will complement their individuality. Therefore, part one of my grand adventure is discovering my children’s inner learners, and opening up that barrier between myself and them so that we have unity and understanding.

I made a decision to change, from allowing others to know and understand my children above me, relying on them to teach and direct them on their journey to education and life outside the four walls of home. Personally I didn’t enjoy not knowing my sons’ friends, or their friends’ parents, family members, and other significant people in their lives.

Now, before I go any further, I want to say that I am NOT harping on those who place their children in public or private school…AT ALL! Why? Because it’s also successful, for them. This is just my decision, my family, my life, my children, and my heart’s desire to have them close to me, which is also what my children desire.

In the process of making the decision to turn to home-education for my sons, I sat down with them and discussed school, what they liked about it, didn’t like about it, and began to form a new observation about myself. I did not really know my sons as well as I thought I did. Yeah, I know what their favorite color is, favorite food, what gets them excited, happy, upset, or sad. I know their birthdates, their clothing and shoe sizes, and all of their general information. I also knew what they were doing in school, when they told me, and what they thought about the individualized subjects. But I sat there and got to KNOW my kids that day. What did I find?

I discovered many things that day that I will expound on in future posts. At this time, however, I just want to say that I am going to be an expert! Will I be perfect? NO! Experts are not perfect…but they study their subject in the finest of details. They learn the highs and the lows, the ups and downs, the good times and bad, and they enhance that which they study, to the very best of their abilities! Then, they get to see their work develop into something more than they even dreamed…

I am setting up for myself a higher standard that I had before. No, I’m not going to be a child hoarder, unsocial, or create for my children a life of no socialization. I am not going to hide away in the trees of some dark forest, just because I have announced to the world that I am choosing to teach my children at home. I will practice what some of the best teachers and examples could have ever shown me. I will educate, instruct, and encourage my children to grow, learn, and expand their dreams and desires to become realities. This is what it’s all about. Teaching them to fly. Teaching them to build their own nest. Encouraging them to make their own mistakes, and help them up when they fall hard.

I am excited! I am scared! But I am encouraged. I have a support system that is just HUGE, and although I do not feel “ready” I know that we can never be “ready” for life changes such as this. What is in store for me in this adventure? Work, sweat, prayer, tears, work, laughter, commitment, dedication, work, fear, excitement, joy, pain, work! See? I’m already an expert! *smiles*

Tired

Tired: Wrung out, worn out, exhausted, done in, POOPED, burnout, finished. These are all words that have described me in the past, both distant and recent. Have these words ever described you? Do they now?

There’s a song that my mother once told me reminds her of me every time she hears it. The song, Worn, by Tenth Avenue North, is a good song. It has a message that speaks to a lot of people, because so many of us today can relate to the feelings and emotions described in the lyrics. I had heard it before, yes, but I truly listened to it one day after she said that, and it really did describe me…from beginning to end! But this blog isn’t about being tired…it’s about coming to LIFE!

You’ve heard the phrase “when you’re at the bottom the only place to look is up” right? Well, in part this is true…however there are so many who continue to look down, and just keep digging. (Yeah, I know you just said that in the Dory “Just keep swimming” tune…don’t lie). Yes. We have periods of time in our lives when we are tired, worn, and at the end of our rope…perhaps even losing our grip of that knot that seems to be slipping and fraying at the end: the only thing left we think we have to hold onto. But here’s the good news! It’s not!

Take this song, Worn, for example. Upon hearing it all for the first time, I decided this was a very accurate description of me, and therefore dubbed it my theme-song. It was true. I was tired. I had been at the bottom, trying to look up. Emotions a wreck, unstable moods, physically failing, having one illness or another from the stress I was enduring and falling under.

After a while of enjoying my new theme song I realized something. I was staying in this state of mind, and not moving forward or upward! I woke up every day expecting to be worn. I went to bed every night expecting the same. I just KNEW I wouldn’t get sleep, and therefore I didn’t. I just KNEW my day would be full of stress, and therefore it was. I would ask myself several times a week, “What am I doing wrong?!” And then it hit me, like a brick! (visualize that one!) Of course I was tired! I had spent too many days entertaining the people and things that brought me down, pulled me down, and put me down. I couldn’t be lifted up because I was still digging down. It was time to make a change!

And change I did. Eliminated those things which did nothing but destroy peace, bring drama and discontent, and filled my home with positive things. Happy music, happy activities, and happy moments make a happy family. There has been a noticeable change in myself, my children, and everything, and I am enjoying every minute of it! …well, almost every moment. (She says as she recalls dealing with children using all types of furniture as trampolines and landing pads, dogs who use freshly planted flowers as chew toys and find just as many ways to get into things as the boys do. Maybe even recalling the events of underwear on heads (no adults involved), potty training accidents that are social media worthy of sharing, and of course we cannot forget the famous “Becca Moments” that seem to occur a bit more often than before…*sigh*)

Oh but I am ALIVE! I dance in my house at random, just because I feel so good! Even on a bad day! I didn’t get here all in one day…not even in the first full week. I am still getting there, really. I take a step back now and then, but the joy in this is knowing that, for me, it’s kind of like a dance…”step forward, step backward. Step forward, step backward!” (Sesame Street dance…yep!) I know it’s not easily done, believe me I know! Sometimes the things that are harder to get to are the things that are the most rewarding…and I think peace and rest are quite rewarding, personally.

So…Dance in the rain! Count your rainbows! Sing in the shower! Give yourself a pat on the back every now and then! Cook a dessert (COBBLER!!!) and eat the whole thing *advising not all at once*! Breathe deeply, and smile! When the children break a dish, spill liquid all over the floor or furniture, accidently potty all over the freshly cleaned bathroom floor (or out in the new landscaping in the back yard), or when there is little sleep because someone is sick, maybe you just feel overwhelmed because all the little things happened at the same time…Look up! Don’t keep digging! Go ahead and listen to my old theme song…it does help. I have recently altered the song for myself…just when I need to raise up above the tiredness. What is your song?

Original Chorus:

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My Chorus:

You’ve let me see redemption win!

And I now I know the struggle ends!

You’ve mended my heart that was frail and torn!

I am that song that can rise

From the ashes of a broken life!

And all that was dead inside has been reborn!

All that’s dead inside has been reborn!

The Other Side of Love

Love is a funny thing.

Romantic love can send people into situations that make them appear as fools. Childlike love gives and gives and gives, and feeds off the return. The love of a parent gives and gives and gives, and doesn’t get a return in the same fashion it was given…but the parent doesn’t expect such a return, and any reflection of their giving is enough, especially when it shines from the joyful eyes of their child. But love isn’t always rainbows and flowers. Love can carry a person through hard times, lift the spirit of the fallen, and be a solace and comfort to the lonely. Love is definitely powerful and amazing. But love goes so much farther, and sometimes we don’t like where it takes us.

Sometimes love hurts, and sometimes it hurts to love.

When does love hurt? In speaking of the love that hurts, we are talking about being on the receiving end. There is this thing called “tough love” and it’s not a pleasant experience. It’s definitely a deeper level of love that most people don’t understand, and none enjoy, when they are given a dose of it. When we want something badly and are told “No”, or “Not now.” And I’m not speaking of just some general want. No, I’m talking about the deep desire for something. When did we ask for these: Healing of sickness, whether for ourselves or someone close to us, escape from a certain trial or battle we are facing in life, or maybe just to have someone…and to not be alone. There’s a song I’ve heard on the radio, by Laura Story that sums up “when love hurts” quite well…

“What if your blessings come through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near? And what if trials of this life… are your mercies in disguise?”

Now that we have walked through some painful love experiences together, and have a better understanding of when love hurts, let me take you to the giving side…when it hurts to love.

When does it hurt to love? I want to take you down a road with me that isn’t the best story in the world, but has a lesson in love, and how it changes us. My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage, and three years ago she came to live with us. For the majority of this time I discovered that step-parenting is NOT the same as blood parenting. So much is different. Thanks to a lot of prayer and support and LOVE from others, we overcame a lot of our struggles that step relationships battle with. In that time I cried tears of anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, sadness, and some of joy and happiness as well. Sadly, on February 1, 2014, I and my husband held each other tight at the Los Angeles airport security gate and cried together tears of sorrow and pain, as we watched her, through the fog of tears, walk away from us to live with her mother in another country. We do not know when we will see her in person again, and letting go was excruciating beyond what either of us thought. But because we LOVE her, we let her go…because this was what was best for her. It hurts sometimes, to love, because we have to put away what we want and what they want, and do what is BEST. These decisions are NOT easy, and some hurt more than others, while some don’t hurt at all.

I am finishing with a story familiar to us all. Mary Poppins was packing her bag to leave the Banks household when Michael Banks asks her, and I am paraphrasing, “Why are you leaving us? Can’t you stay? Don’t you love us?” and Mary Poppins’ reply…”Now Michael. What would happen if I loved all the children I said goodbye to?”

At first I didn’t know how to take this question in the movie, and for the longest time I thought she was a heartless, empty, statue of a woman for this statement. Then it hit me…just what would happen if she loved all the children she said goodbye to? What would it do to us, really, if we entered a situation that brought us to love someone, then have to part with them? Well, it would hurt! Right? Yes, it sure would. But we didn’t “lose” anyone in this…but we just gained something. A deeper part of ourselves. A part that would not be revealed had we not gone through a trial, come to love someone, make a decision that broke hearts and weighed heavy on the spirit. Yes, there will be sleepless nights, days when joining the rest of the living population just doesn’t appeal to us, and hours and hours of that deep pain, and the void down within that leaves us hollow and writhing (whether physically or spiritually), demanding to know WHY! And do we really know why? Because we love. Love…

But love is a funny thing…

This week a dear friend of mine experienced a very similar circumstance, and I will say that I battled with this blog for days before I even knew what was happening in her world…but she wrote a beautiful thing that inspired me to finish this blog post. I have her to thank for the inspiration to continue. <3 She spoke of peace…that peace that passes ALL understanding. And that made me think…where does that peace come from? LOVE!