The Day I Died...The Day I live

My godmother, Debbie Jenkins, is a woman of few words in many cases. So, when she speaks, I listen, because there is something that must be heard. I have seen this woman live when people said she would not. I have seen her and her husband overcome numerous battles in the many years that I have known them. Miracles are nothing new to them, as the two of them are walking embodiments of miracles themselves. Now, she is also a woman who needs no introduction, but I just want to say that this blog post is copied by me, from her own words. A testimony that she has, and that will forever be in my mind, in my memory. I will never forget the day I got the phone call, where I was, what I was doing. When I answered my phone, sitting at the drive through window of Dairy Queen in Metropolis, my world turned upside down and back again multiple times with the words that were spoken from the other end of the line… “Becca…Debbie died today…”

And now, the story written by Debbie herself.

I would like to share with you how God blessed me on July 30, 2010, during my battle with Ovarian Cancer. This was the day I was to go in for chemo-therapy. We knew that typically I would be okay for a few hours following the treatment, but that I would be quite sick for the next few weeks. This was normal for the type of treatments that I was receiving. We arrived a few minutes early and the nurse connected the lines to my port. As I was about to finish the first drug administration I told the nurse I needed to use the restroom. She asked if I could wait until she started the next drug. I said I could, and she began the next drug treatment. After she got it going I went right into the restroom.

All at once I felt a fiery sensation going down both legs, and this was extremely painful. Just as quickly, I felt that same fire going to my head. I knew then that I was in trouble, so I opened the door and yelled for the nurse. When she got to the door and saw the state I was in, she yelled, “Oh, my God! Deb!” She then yelled for her helper…and this is the last thing I remember of that event. In the next instant I saw the most BEAUTIFUL bright light!!

Words cannot describe the beauty of this light! I felt the most wonderful peace, like the peace that surpasses all understand, spoken of in the Bible! I was in the presence of God! I know that the light was the Glory of God, and the peace that I felt was from Him also. I could feel myself drawing closer to that light, that comforting, warm light. Breaking into that moment, suddenly, I heard a voice calling my name, “Deb! Deb!” In my heart I knew this was Clayton, my husband, and he was hurting, deeply. Then, I heard another voice saying to me, It is okay. You can go back now. I still have work for you and your husband to do.”

At that moment I heard voices. “I have no response! I still have no response!” I felt pressure on my chest, like an elephant siting on me. I took my hand, and moved the object that was causing the pressure off of my chest. A voice then said, “I have a response! I have a response!” The medical team began working on me, hooking up the life support machines, attaching the tubes and devices that would breathe for me for a time. All I could think about while they were working to keep me alive was my husband. I needed to see him! I needed to know he was okay, and I wanted to ask him if he was sitting beside me, calling out my name. This was not to happen…yet.

The next thing I recall is being in a room, hooked up to these machines, with something in my mouth, preventing my ability to speak to anyone. My husband was standing there, looking so sad and lost. It was that look in his eyes that I will never forget, because it was that look that I could hear when I heard my name called out. I was on life support for three days. When they took me off life support, my husband was right there, as he never left my side. My first words to him were the words I had been needing so badly to ask. “Honey, were you standing right by me, calling out my name?” He looked at me. “No.” He said. “They had put me and everyone else out into the hallway. They called a code blue, and it took several minutes for everyone to get in there to get things moved around to work on you. The medical team came out and told me you were dead. They asked me what I wanted them to do. I told them to do all that they could. So the nurse went back in, and in my heart I began to call your name, ‘Deb. Deb!’ and then I prayed for you.” I looked at my husband, into his eyes, and I said, “I heard you. The Lord allowed me to hear you crying out my name, and I could feel your pain. The Lord then told me that I could come back because He still had work for you and I to do.”

While I was still in the hospital, the man who performed CPR on me came to visit me. He said that he could not believe he was standing and talking, and laughing with me. He said that he has been in this profession for 25 years, and that the other patients who were gone as long as I was could not talk or function because they had irreparable brain damage, or were deceased.

Later, my chemo-therapy nurse visited me and shared her side of the event of that day. She came into the bathroom when I called to her, and immediately saw that I was in bad shape. She sat me down and called for help. Then she said that I had stopped breathing, so she began working on me to get me breathing again. Soon they called the code blue, because I was gone. She informed me that I had died twice while they were with me in that restroom. The second time I died, they noted the time and went out of the room to find Clayton and let him know that I was gone. After talking with my husband, the nurse came back into the room. She said that when she got back in there, suddenly my hand came up and took the hand of the man performing CPR on me, and as I emphatically declared, “Now that will be enough of that!” I threw his hand off of me. At that moment, the moment the silence was broken, everyone began to laugh. They told me that I had been dead, declared dead, for 15 minutes.

I was dead. They had to inform my husband. When informed, my husband began to pray to God for me. When the nurse told me I had died, and that they had to tell him, and he prayed, this is what I felt, and what I know…The Scriptures say “The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16). This came to me as she was telling me her account of that day. I thank God every day for my husband, and for each new day that I am here to live, and share my testimony!!! I will tell my story to ALL who will listen. While you are able, you must make the decision about where you want to spend eternity, because you never know when you will draw your last breath. When you take that last breath, you will not be able to change your mind! You will either spend your time in the light with God, or in the darkness. I pray that you will choose an eternity with God. I am telling you, I know there is a God who cares for you. Just reach out to Him. I hope to see YOU in Heaven!

Debbie Jenkins

It's Going to be Okay

Psst. Hey you. Yeah, I’m talking to you. To the person who is sitting quietly, right now, contemplating life and how in the world you got to the point you are at this very moment. The road has been a long one. Everything and everyone is grating on whatever nerves you feel you may have left. Money, job, school, kids, and daily life stresses you out before you even sit up in your bed first thing in the morning. Your house is a mess, your car is a mess, and you honestly couldn’t tell someone when you remember actually eating your last full meal. You are tired. Sleep is the only thing that sounds half-way decent to you right now. I know. I get ya. But I want to be the one to tell you the one thing you find hard to believe right now: it’s going to be okay.

I know! I know, it sounds cliché, and you just rolled your eyes at me. I have no idea what you are going through right now. While that may be true, I do understand the emotions that you are experiencing. Why? How? Well, because I am feeling them too. And with that, let me share a little something with you…

People struggle. This is not news. We all have problems that we share with others, and we all have problems that we keep to ourselves, suffering in silence and solitude with whatever reasons we may have for not disclosing our battles. Big or small, battles bring a person to their knees. Many people question their ability to continue on, and some just don’t bother trying…and end their own lives. Everyone handles stress, pain, grief, and of these other strong emotions differently. But to those who feel alone, rest assured we have ALL been there at least once in our lives. SOMETHING has affected every adult on this planet (and many children), putting them in a warzone of their own, testing their strengths and exposing their weaknesses. Nobody truly knows what other people are going through, and oftentimes people who live together in the same home have no clue what the other may be struggling with internally.

Whatever it is that you are going through right now, be it health; money; family; job; school; or even just some hormonal imbalance putting you into a depressed state, the struggle truly is real. And, as real as it is the struggle is hard. I know, because I, too, am struggling.

So, here we are, you and I, suffering alone…silently…whether it is because we choose not to share our pain or because we tried and nobody cared to truly hear us. The tears that are shed daily, the strange sensation inside that scares us because it is not pain anymore, but the terrible reality that we don’t feel the pain like before. Numbness is setting in. The ability to feel, along with the desire to care, is vanishing and we are powerless to stop it.

Now, for those of you who may not know what this feels like, I can assure you that you know someone who does. All around us are people who suffer from depression in one form or another. It is a scary place to be. There is no certainty in life when depression is present. There are only questions, and many of them are not good ones. Many times the depressed want someone to understand, but they will not be the ones to make a move to be around people. No, their conscious mind doesn’t want to be around other humans, and they will avoid as much as possible. Most of them have to function in a normal, daily routine, however, and will be around other people. My challenge to you is to Be There for them. Start a conversation, simple as it may be. Listen to them when they talk. Don’t respond with “I don’t know what to say”, “I wish I could help”, or anything like that. Even if you don’t have a solution, help them find one in your conversations. This is when we tell each other that it’s going to be okay…and mean it.

You will be okay. Even if everything is not okay right now. There may not seem to be an end to the dark days you are in, and every moment weighs heavy on the heart and mind, but relief will come! Even though even an hour seems like an eternity, and days and weeks are even longer, you can hold on and make it through. And when you do, I will be at the end of that road waiting to embrace you and tell you that you did it… just like me.

The River

Today I looked at my reflection in the calm and smooth surface of the river. I am at peace. There is the slightest breeze, causing fine ripples in the water, giving a whimsical addition to the subtle smile on the reflection looking back at me. I love this place. The river settles my soul, with its flowing waters, constant and lasting. Today my reflection is smooth, and I see signs of life beneath the clear surface of liquid glass.

Days pass by and the calm serenity that flows with the steady current of the river has been disrupted by rain. It is gloomy today, as the gray clouds hover low, nearly touching the water’s surface. The river is choppy, with little white capped waves tossing debris from upstream back and forth in its current. My heart feels like the waves today…rough and scattered. The moments of gray and heavy thoughts descending on me like the clouds and rain, weighing down the smile and pressing on the heart.

Leaves are falling from the trees along the riverbank. All colors of little pieces of nature’s confetti sprinkled across the flowing waters, being carried off on the current in motion much like a slow dance, give me pause as I watch in silent pondering the unique display. There is a chill in the air, but it is a good change. There is something settling about autumn, with the canvas painting appeal that the river banks display for miles and miles to see.

The bitter cold will not deter me from going to my place at the river today. The vision of frozen water, glittering snow shining in the soft sunlight, and my sheer amazement at the constant flow of this amazing body of water draw me here once again. Life’s winter has my heart frozen in place. Unmoving and unfeeling, I have come to the river for a sign…that one, small spark of life that I know is under the surface of ice in my soul. I see no reflection today. The water is muddy, flowing fast and strong as the snow falls into the murky depths, being carried off to the unknown. Much like myself, deep inside.

The warmth has melted the ice, and the river is calm again. There is sunlight reflecting off the water, making it shine and glisten, putting on a show of dancing light and reflection all around. Today I am afraid to come to the water’s edge, because the ice that has covered my heart and soul will thaw. Have you ever been frozen, and then warmth brought back? It hurts! Have I become accustomed to my frozen state? Will this be where I stay forever?

But then I remembered why I come to the river. I remembered the little sparks of life beneath the glassy surface. I remembered the colorful display flowing down and out of sight. I remembered the beauty even when frozen in places. But, most of all, I remembered the one thing I never paid much attention to before this moment: The river, although forever changing, never changes. The water’s surface is always moving, changing with the weather and things that come into contact with it. But underneath the river never stops.

Yes, the seasons make things around the river look different, feel different, seem different, but the river itself has yet to move from its purpose. It is a force of nature, constant and true, in all things. Even if the waters dried up there would be a mark on this earth that will remind us of the river. The course it led, the life it gave, and knowing that until the last drop was gone the river never wavered, and remained true. Yeah, the winds may blow, rain and snow fall, and the darkness and cold may creep its way onto the banks of this river. People even come to the river banks and throw rocks into the waters, causing splashes and ripples, momentarily disturbing the waters. But every time I come back to the banks of my river I see what the river has been trying to tell me this whole time: keep going. Don’t stop. Never change your course, no matter what may come your way. Make your mark in this world, and let it sink deep. Be free.

This ice in my heart is melting. Yes, it hurts…but it’s a healing pain. I cringe with each pulse that pushes warmth into the cold places, but now I can breathe…I can feel! No matter the season in life, no matter the struggle and trial, I will flow constant and true, true in all things never wavering. I have set my course and, like the river, I will run it. This current may vary, sometimes fast and furious, sometimes slow and serene, but one thing I know to be true; here with the river, I am free.

First Snow

It’s a dreary day in November. Clouds are hanging low over the trees, the sun has vacated behind the dark gray, imposingly hovering objects, and the breeze has picked up into a steady wind on the hillside. Is it going to rain? The chill in the air seems a bit damp. Yeah, we are in for rain. Cold, wet, dreary rain.

Dusk. Rain is softly falling, making the light “tink, tink” sound on the metal roof of the carport outside the house. Granted, when living in California we didn’t get to enjoy this experience much, and while the cold temperatures slightly affected my joy at the event, my child was ecstatic! Running out into the rain, exclaiming and laughing, being a boy doing what they do best…get dirty. But the sight and sound brought a smile to my face.

Inside the house, the evening continues on, and we noticed some time later that the sound of the rain hitting the metal roof of the carport had stopped. At first nothing was coming from the sky, and then the change…

I squinted my eyes and looked out the window over the kitchen sink. Nothing could be heard, but there it was! Coming from the sky… softly, silently, and gracefully falling to the ground: snow. The first snow of the season! Would it stick? OH the pure joy that filled me up inside! I always tell people that if it’s going to be cold, it better snow and have good reason to be so cold! Usually all I see is rain, and often times before, ice. Tonight, however, the soft, airy, white flakes floating down from the sky, after a day of off and on rain, were a welcome relief from the dreary and wet, cold weather. Micah was thrilled! He wanted to go outside and see! He was not fully dressed, though, and I instructed him to stay inside. After a couple of hours, and lots of glittery goodness sticking to the ground, cars, trees, and covering our little world in a blanket of white, I wrapped Micah up in his blankets (he refused to put shoes on), and carried him outside into the falling snow so he could catch a few flakes with his tongue.

As I stood in the falling snow, jittery teeth and shuddering arms and shoulders, I realized what a cool thought this was! It had been raining all day! And suddenly, from the dreary clouds and rain came the season’s first snow. Light, silent, and peaceful, falling to the ground gracefully to cover the ugly puddles and muddy places with pristine beauty. Such is the story of our lives, in so many cases. Especially mine! I have been suffering the rainfall of stress and trials, and have been dredging through the mud puddles of heaviness and struggle. And suddenly, when my days have been covered thickly with dark, low hanging clouds, those same clouds cover my rain laden world with a soft, white snow. A snow that fell peacefully, gracefully, and settled all the raging emotions inside. Some of those emotions escaped through silent tears, as I lifted my face toward the sky. Tears that mixed with snowflakes rather than raindrops, bringing a sad but peaceful smile to my face as they slipped silently down and fell to the ground, leaving a small, round void where the snow was covering it.

Our world isn’t seemingly such a happy place after we are grown. There is much care, worry, pain, and heartache we endure as adults. So much rain, and heavy cloud cover. These endure through nearly every season in our lives. But every now and then, there is this season we are blessed with. This season freezes all our trials, and covers our burdens with this glistening blanket of white, giving us a view of reflected sunlight. Winter time isn’t just about Holidays and cold weather. It is about covering those things that are dead. Burying them, and preparing for life anew. Resting our burdens, and bringing a season of peace during a life of chaos. I am thankful for that first snow…the subtle reminder that peace is here, even though the weight of the rain is still on our shoulders.

This first snow fell overnight, and lasted a few days before melting away under the sunlight. It was, however, a few days of calm and reflection for me. I do not like the cold weather, but I love the snow. I’ve been absent snow for over three years. This season, while cold is dreaded, will find me welcoming every snowflake and likely playing in the snow with the kids…and enjoying the peaceful gift from above. 

To Live

Things to ponder:

Today, as I sit at the table in my parent’s home, I reflect. It has been a long couple of weeks for me, being away from my love, two pieces of my heart (children for those who don’t follow my normal verbiage…lol) being a distance from me for a time, and having battled recently battles that I simply do not understand. A few days ago I sat and pouted (yup, I pouted) about things that I believed to be beyond my control. After some self-pity time, I finally sat up as the words of my parents slowly made their way from the back of my brain to the listening portion. “When in doubt…make a list. Pros’ and Con’s. Balance it. Reflect on it. Where do you see yourself on this list?” etc… So…I start making this list. Ironically enough I started it off with “Things I have no control over:” Would you know, I could not write the things on that list that I was previously having a pity party about?! So…this is what I came up with.

·         I cannot stop the seasons from changing.

·         I cannot stop time.

·         I cannot travel forward, or backward, in time.

·         I have no power over the sun, wind, snow, rain, or catastrophic forces of nature.

·         I cannot change History.

However…

·         I can enjoy every season for the gifts it brings; Spring (life), Summer (warmth), Autumn (beauty), and Winter (reflection).

·         I can stop myself from saying hurtful words.

·         I can speak words of love and compassion, happiness, strength, and comfort.

·         I can reach out and help where help is needed.

·         I can make the most of every moment.

·         I can bask in the sun, embrace the winds, play in the snow, dance in the rain, and marvel at the extreme forces of nature that have description beyond words.

·         I can change the future…my future.

In this we know that we ALL affect someone around us. Some affect a few, others affect many. Regardless of how many people are affected by our perspective on life (and how we carry that perspective out), they, in turn, affect others. And so goes the circle of life. Proverbs 18:21a “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue…” And yet our words, however impactful they may be, still only carry some of our entire communication. Don’t just endeavor to “speak life” but also strive to “live life”. Don’t just live…BE alive.

And with “BE Alive” I left off and looked at the list…………and realized that I needed that. Yeah…I’m struggling over things that are difficult. I’m in the middle of some battles that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. But they are mine, and I CAN control how I come out of this… and I intend to. Honey, I’m gonna come out singing! I’m going to enjoy the changes of the seasons (even if my California-spoiled self is shaking fist at the cold temps) and what those changes will bring my way! I’m going to bask in the sun! I’m going to play in the snow! I’m going to dance in the rain, and I’m going to leave behind bright, happy colors on the canvas of my life to inspire others… to live.

The Dog Fight

This is a rather somber post, really. However, I cannot help but put it out there, because it weighs heavily on the mind these days. From the recent stirring up about diseases, politics, and things that make national headlines (and some local ones) creating an uproar around the globe, comes a blog post from yours truly...

I was just thinking about a phrase I saw on a social networking site the other day, and it made me ponder deeper (as usual) into the real life application of such a concept. The phrase, “I [have, or do not have] a dog in that fight” sent my mind into some humbling thoughts. Consider with me, if you will, the dog fight.

A dog, once born innocent and loving, is being raised and trained daily by a master to fight to the death. This dog, who could have easily been a happy creature, in a loving family, cowers under the commands of his master, heavy chains holding him to his post, both burdening him and strengthening him at the same time. Ears that have been cut short (in many cases butchered at home instead of done clinically by a vet) to avoid getting in the way of the dog’s own teeth as he sinks them into his opponent. This dog knows no other life than that of working, fighting, and recovering or dying. These dogs are pitted together in a fenced in area, and prodded toward one another by their masters until the fight begins. The crowd cheers for the dog they believe should win. Fights break out in the stands. Money is passed as bets are made. The noise is excruciating. And the fight begins…

One dog eats at another, and the other turns to defend itself, attacking in like manner. Blood falls to the dirt and sand under their feet, feet that are mangled by torture and pain. Muscles flexing and teeth baring, growling and snapping, the dogs continue as the crowd’s volume increases with each bite and shred. The crowd calls for more blood, so the masters of the dogs give the crowd their desire…until the dogs are either spent or dead on the ground. Money is then passed again as bets were won or lost in the fight.

Now, come with me to visit the dog’s family.

The little girl said goodbye to all her lovable puppies before they were even old enough to go away. She cried. She knew what was going to happen to them. They are litter mates, but they are being sold to people who are going to raise them to attack each other and fight to the death. The little girl is heartbroken. She’s not so little that she doesn’t understand what is going on, and it causes her great pain. She sees that these little loves of her life will never be lovable, but killers in the eyes of those who demand blood. She has seen the fights, clouded through tears that nearly blind her at every event. To close out the grim reality of the dogfight, the little girl hides under the bleachers and benches, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, and pressing the heels of her hands firmly against her ears to drown it out. In her mind she imagines her sweet puppies running in the field with her on the weekends when she is not in school. They play together, swimming in the creek or perhaps the pool, and chasing butterflies. Why?! Why do they have dogs in this fight?! Why are there dog fights at all??The little girl on the outside is all grown up inside. She understands the painful reality that, despite efforts to eliminate this suffering from the world, the true fighters will always find a way to stay. This is her life...

Food for thought

Becca

The Gift of Darkness

Have you heard the phrase, “The night is darkest before the dawn”? How about the theory that evil lurks in the shadows? My recent favorite is, “There is a light at the end of this tunnel!” There are so many sayings and ideas that surround the topic of darkness and night. Well, I get to share my own idea of the darkness.

Darkness is normal. It is reoccurring. Darkness comes and darkness goes. Like the rotating door of sunrise and sunset, darkness is inevitable. It is unavoidable. Have I depressed you yet? A bit of a fun revelation on my part now: I love darkness! The night is so sadly misunderstood…

When I drove the paper route for the Fresno Bee, here in the central valley in California, I encountered so many things in the darkness of the night, and pre-dawn hours! Some things were un-nerving, scary even (some animals out here are weird looking), and some were strange sights, like the drunk man walking in the middle of the streets, giving everyone who passed by a thumbs up and a “Hey! Drive safe!” Others, however, were beautiful things. Things that could never be experienced in the light of day! These amazing discoveries in the darkness were not few and far between either! They occurred often, and it was a joy to encounter and experience them all!

In the darkness of night we get the amazing opportunity to observe the diamonds of the sky: the stars. 

this image found on google.com

On many occasions we will even get to witness the amazing sight of one of these superior, glittering objects as it releases from its suspension somewhere in the air of space, soaring across the black canvas of the night sky…but only in the dark can this be seen with the naked eye.

The eclipse of the full moon that occurs somewhere between 11pm and 5am every now and then…the amazing and breath taking event that captures the attention of people around the globe, as the moon appears full one moment and, over time, gradually becomes a deep, dark shadow, only to begin shining full again, sliver by sliver. Pictures that are taken of this marvelous sight show the background of a night sky…

Some of the most beautiful things happen at night, in the darkness. I like to say that the darkness doesn’t hide these things, but it enhances them.

To me the dark brings with it a sense of calm. Rest. When I step outside in the evening, and witness the setting of the sun, I recall past years when I would begin to cry or become weighted down, carried lower and lower along with the level of the sun, and I dreaded the night. I feared it. Now…I embrace what the night brings to us, what it is intended to give us: that rest and calm. Just like the child who is tucked in bed by the parent every night… we are in need of a rest period. It is not the night when we fight and battle against all odds, in our situations that life brings. No, it is in the night that we rest and take a breather.

Take solace in the gift of the night, the peace in the darkness. Embrace the metaphorical “tucking in” that we are blessed with after an exhausting day of fighting and trudging through the trails of life. Step off to the side of the trail, unroll the blanket and stretch out under the sparkling diamonds of the sky and breathe deeply of the crisp air, letting it cleanse and refresh, and rest…rest knowing that the night can be a place NOT of fear, but of rejuvenation. It is the gift from Above, to prepare you for the next day’s work. <3

And now…I shall close my computer and look up at the stars that I am sitting under now, and breathe deeply the fresh evening air. Tomorrow will be a good day.